Me, cold turkey and the night

It is funny how sometimes you feel like the tectonic plates of your personality are shifting and your fate is being altered, but it is so hard to say anything that feels as important as the process you're experiencing. Describing it  feels like catching fish with bare hands in a turbulent river and then juggling with it while being attacked by a crocodile at the same time...

Because I recently committed myself to Cold Turkey and my phone is impossible to charge, I decided of just writing here loosely and pretending this is like an "actual" Facebook conversation. Cause the morning Elga thought it's a perfect idea to block all the social and fun homepages till 10 this morning. Good decisions.

I am currently taking a break from reading about ethnopolitical discourses and acculturation and , despite that it is actually starting to get interesting, I kinda realized that this year my research project (GP) is gonna be even tougher than it usually is. This year's research seems like a 3D version of the projects from all the previous years, which means more work in the same amount of not enough time and would usually get me crazy stressed. GP or "gada projekts" translated from Latvian means a year project, by the way, and I have a little less than a month now to write it. 

Which has basically made me lose it every single year except this one. 

Not this year, GP, we're gonna have different fight this year! For a long time I have been more or less overlooking the fact that the goals and results I'm aiming for have harmed my health and well-being, and it all seemed to be temporarily okay - as long as I passed, kept my scholarship, finished studies and so on I ignored anxieties, messed up sleeping patterns, problems with breathing, not paying enough attention to my loved ones and so on. 

Like the time we had to finish several multimedia assignments last year and I hadn't slept for two nights in a row, came home from the final presentation of all the work and still had to do the last stupid assignment while feeling totally drunk and miserable from sleep deprivation. My absolutely favorite person in the world was visiting and not only couldn't I pay attention to her, but I think I was also barely able to talk or understand anything at all.  

Now this didn't come easily. When you finish working for a project you have to present the next day and are left with half an hour for a quick power nap instead of some real slumber the feeling of waking up dead is bad enough, but then there's also this free spirited voice inside stating "this is inhuman, a person should not live like this, you are missing some basic human rights in your life and it sucks that you let this happen!". 

Having the same crazy dedicated attitude as in my home university at the time when the first exam here was announced I was so stressed I got several panic attacks a day. I would be "motivating" myself so much to overcome the increased challenges of studying in a strange new place in different language as successfully as before that the anxiety turned me in a complete wreck from time to time. I would lie on the floor just crying and waiting for the breath to come back and for the panic to end, and sometimes this would take hours. That had literally never happened to me before and I really hope it's never coming back. 

Let me just take a moment to appreciate the way the Swedish education system is designed right now. One big, wonderful difference being that if you don't pass, you have another (free of charge and guilt free-same possibilities for the highest grade) chance to take the exam. This combined with really strong resistance against panicking and worrying has really done wonders for me. 

I appreciate it this much...

Or maybe even a little bit more.

It made me realize that not only panicking and setting success and results higher than well-being was totally unnecessary, it was also unacceptable. No result is ever more valuable than being able to breathe and sleep, and have a sense of self-respect (well, maybe like saving the Earths population of famine all at once forever or providing world piece could be valuable enough. But that is not the point. Nobody does that kinda trades anyway these days.). Grades should  be a byproduct not the central focus of education. I think I'd never come to this conclusion hadn't I been exposed to the clash of cultures and lifestyles Erasmus has provided.

I am siting in my bed with this multi-faceted, difficult, challenging and a little bit annoying quest of a year project, and I am not freaking out. I am calm because I know I am and have been doing the best I could most of the time. Life is happening apart from the main five years goal of finishing uni too, and I am living it to the fullest. It is important to learn new things, take as much as possible from studying, have a degree and hopefully do good with it afterwards. But it has also become clear that it's as important to be healthy, satisfied, strong, loving and ALIVE in the broadest sense possible. It is important to reach goals outside professionally oriented world, such as becoming more accepting, forgiving, confident and grown up. Having a balance I'd like for the people I love to have. Being as good to myself as I'd wish for others.

I realize now that the presentation of this year's research project might be more embarrassing than it usually is. I might get a 7 out of 10 (overachievers will get the horror of this happening). I got a G not a VG in Swedish I already. In the craziest-probably-not-gonna-happen scenario I might lose the funding that allows me to study for free in Latvia because of not meeting the deadline or something. The old me would be scared stiff only thinking about this for a second, but as I write it right now, I am okay. I traded perfection and predictability for some peace of mind, and believe everything is gonna work out just fine. It is probably not going to be as steady all the time and get a bit rockier closer to the deadline(s), but generally I have faith in the future and in myself.

So thank you, Erasmus.  

Not ready yet

I have tried writing this post for 3 times now, and it does not look promising. Such a trivial and embarrassing topic makes it really hard for me not to puke on my pc while writing about it while also feeling that it might be important to talk about this. I have been avoiding taking pics, writing, speaking publicly, just generally being "too visible" for my whole life cause I have not been okay with who I am (moreover who I am not). 

Growing up as a TV kid, I have learned quite early that I will never be able to match the standards of my favorite characters there NOR will I ever be as brave, pure and honorable as the folks from the booklands, so, basically, I have been answering no to self acceptance since forever. It feels like such an outdated, silly, immature problem that you shouldn't have in the great sophisticated nowadays, but it is oh so here. I have noticed that being a bitch to yourself, comparing, or ignoring yourself seem to be commonly accepted practices of treating yourself among other people too.

I have just recently decided that I am not okay with this anymore and that it is time to put up a fight against low self esteem and high self criticism. So one day after seeing this TED talk while wanting to help a friend in need of a subject and myself to overcome issues I am done with, it seemed to be a great idea to grow together in this "Take a picture for 30 days in a row" challenge. Learning a lesson a day, facing my issues (CAMERA AND MY FACE IN GENERAL), I have to admit that I still suck at self acceptance, but it feels like moving. 

I am not jumping to every "click" of a picture being taken as I was on the day one anymore. I can see more than what I hate in myself in pictures. I can see the good, the bad and the overall, and I am saying hello to myself boldly. I am also learning that it's okay not to be okay with what I see - me in a weird light or position, or expression can still be a person I choose to love and cherish. And it's okay to be the subject, to expose yourself and to take a stand for your own persona sometimes just as it is okay to do that with your friends and family, random cats, people in need for a smile or opening the doors or kind words or whatever. I made a choice to stop excluding me from the list of people (which is pretty much everyone on this planet) that feels like deserving the best possible treatment and kindness and I am (while still hiding under the sheets when writing this) proud about this. One day a bunch of kids will be happier cause their momma-to-be chose to work with neurosis and get real.

Also, I am proud to be a part of someone else's personal and professional journey. I did not expect this photo challenge to be so pleasant and painless, and beautiful, all of which is Claudio's* responsibility. So far being in this challenge has taught me to trust and rely on someone as well as find safety in being honest which is a pretty new human thing for me too. I don't think I could have done it with anyone less Claudio than Claudio. So YAY for being awesome and going in the direction of YES. 

I solemnly swear I'm not mentioning ABBA in this post about Swedish music!

It was one of those last warm and sunny days of late summer here in Karlstad. I was full of pleasantness after a great day talking, laughing, ravioling and sipping wine with my cousin Līga when I finally got to one of the local film festivals that are sometimes held here. Excited to get some culture in my system I met my classmate Joakim just to discover that we kinda missed almost the whole thing. So we ended up hanging around on a beautiful piece of the earth near the river (google tells me it's called promontory) and in a moment of total honesty I confessed that I do not care about music.

Yes, I said that. And most of the time I really mean it. I know it is super stylish these days to identify with your favorite artists, but mine just happen to be writing books not singing. I like the sound of the silence as much as I like music. Anyways - to not care about music was something my new friend found utterly wrong and as a music loving person was dedicated to fix. And I must admit he succeeded a little.

Without a further ado I would like to introduce you to the great Swedish MIXTAPE I got as a result of my inability to keep embarrassing and totally non-fancy secrets to myself:

Because of the lovely fact that I have two Swedish friends here and Linnea (apart from being my second half of The Octopus) is also highly artsy, the mixtape was the beginning of getting to know music of my Erasmus homeland even more. It is funny how you can kinda puke in your mouth every time you hear something remotely lovey-dovey or too sentimental and then fall in love with something like this:

or this:

or even this!

For me the music I got to know along with my friends is now loaded with memories of the fun times we had here together. I might even get resistant to say I don't care about music. As much as I still like the empty spaces that silence gives for your own imagination to float around, I find myself loving the wonderful things that can fill those spaces too. It is kinda the same but very different.

If you feel like I am missing something else that totally rocks Swedish music scene and is important, feel free to share it to fix this wrongdoing! ;)

Hello! Your "questions answered far too late" day is here again!

Photo by TheLanguidClown, CC.

So long, long time ago I told you guys to ask me questions about what interests you about my Swedish life or anything else. Gatis asked me if Swedes appreciate and honor the metal music (and there was a question about Moomin trolls too, of course, but for that I have not much to say except that I actually met a person who thought Moomin trolls are depressive. He hadn't read the actual thing, just seen the animation film, so I guess that explains it.)*

Anyways, I have to mention right away that talking about metal or hardcore or death-like kinda music is my thing the same way I can remember the difference between pork and beef and all the other big animal meat. It just sounds like any other noise to me. Fortunately I have a Swedish friend Joakim who is very passionate about music and was very kind to answer my questions. 

So here goes with our highly sophisticated Facebook interview!

E: Do swedes appreciate and honor the metal music?

J: Oh, definitely. It's quite a wide question to ask but if you look at the scene of Death Metal, in terms of originality I'd say Sweden is quite a leading country, especially when it comes to melodic Death. (bands like: Dark Tranquility, At The gates). The Black Metal scene pretty much belongs to the Norwegians, but generally i'd say the Death scene is ours. Some of my friends are involved in arranging the yearly festival Gothenburg Deathfest.

E: Oh, that sounds good! Scary for me, but my friend would love it! When is the deathfest happening?

J: Early in October I believe. Gothenburg is actually quite prominent for just the melodic death-scene  and Stockholm for the more “raw” stuff. Bands like: Entombed (especially the old stuff), At The Gates, Nihilist, Insision. Dark Tranquillity, Dismember, Grave, The Haunted, In Flames (before they went big).

E: Oh, okay. But it's still hardly alternative, right? I mean, not that much people listens to that?

J: There are quite a few underground clubs to be found with small gigs being held in foggy “dark end of the street”-kind of bars. I think you can find at least 2-3 black-death metal gigs a week in both Gothenburg and Stockholm. Of course it's a slim genre you know but that goes pretty for any country with this music. You won't find it on the toplists. I mean bands like In Flames, which might be the biggest and most famous Swedish “death”-band, they have developed into something more mainstream and radio-friendly. Whilst bands like Nihilist went the opposite way, being a really early Death-group who only existed for a short while and really only made a few demos. Nihilist is considered to be like cult-heroes today and many of their former members play in more known bands today like Nicke Andersson of The Hellacopters.

E: Ohhhh, that's a good fact to mention! "the death scene is ours". Nice. Worldwide?

J: Well no, but Sweden had a prominent impact on the scene. But, y see Norway is in general a lot more christian than we are like stronger believers. (I dunno how it is right now today) but Christianity has been quite an important part in their schooling, they have to sing christian songs and stuff. I think that's why the black metal scene grew big, as a reaction to all the sort of forced Christianity. The Swedish death metal scene is more like a development from the earlier hardcore punk scene and a way to like make the music more raw and extreme i suppose. That's a sidetrack but what's really cool is the huge hardcore scene that developed in the upper northern Swedish towns of Umeå and Luleå (cities smaller than Karlstad) in the late 80's -early 90's.

E: Why is that cool?

J: Because a lot of those band became well-known, even internationally, most prominently Refused and Raised Fist. Such a small area of Sweden, we're talking like maybe a total local-population of like less than 100.000 people, for a few years really had like a world-leading era of hardcore-punk. 

E: What could have been the cause of such cool outburst of this genre there?

Today they are to quite prominent student-cities, there's a lot of education going on there now. And perhaps a lot of that started in the early 90's there so a lot of young people got together, and then there's also have been quite a big nest for the Social Democrats party, with a lot of industrial working class up there... and our economy was a little shaky there in the late 80's-early 90's. This is just a speculation from my side, but not completely out of the blue as the hardcore-punk scene was very left-wing and straight-edge was a big thing too. I think the social situation locally created the music.

I myself am a great appreciator of the “heavier”, kinda Black Sabbath-inspired, and more “atmospheric” so-called; Doom(Drone/Sludge/Stoner)-metal, it's a kind of newly established “genre” of metal, and in my opinion Sweden right now  is a strong producer for this kind of “era” with bands like: Cult Of Luna, Kongh, Ocean Chief, Moloken.

And now it is time for some examples in here!

 This, in my friends words, is an early death metal. The second one, I mean, the first one, if you actually know this stuff, you'd have to know what that is, right?

The death metal of Entombed and Nihilist (linked above) has developed into a song that sounds so animalish-sweat like that blogger actually does not allow me to link it here (for real!) so - you can find it following this link. 

This was it about the death-like music scene but I actually have had the pleasure to get a wonderful  (and much more lively!) mix tape of the best of Swedish pop-rock music, so I might just tell you about that awesomeness too some day! Till the next time! 

*I wrote this in English, cause I thought this could be interesting for maybe more than just my Latvian readers. In fact, I can imagine precisely two people that might not be horrified and/or bored by reading this! :D 

Svētku paldies

Kā jau es iepriekš nojautu, mājas eksāmenu eseju rakstīšana pamodina radošumu daudz citās jomās. Kas par šaušalīgu un neparastu atgadījumu gan tas būtu, ja es savu otro eseju uzrakstītu vienā naktī un varētu izbaudīt no vainas apziņas brīvu rītdienu un vēl pāris medainā lepnumā ietītas svētku dienas! 

Photo by GreenBoogie

Tā vietā man gribas uzrakstīt par pateicību. Par to, kā tā var pārsteigt un izmainīt dzīvi tāpat kā saule, izlienot no saviem miklajiem, pelēkajiem miglas mēteļiem, lai vidēji vienu dienu Karlstades nedēļā padarītu mazāk apokaliptisku. Mums te nav saules, gandrīz nemaz. Erasmus cilvēki fotografē sauli un liek savos Feisbukos, kad tā parādās, jo tas ir Notikums. Man šķiet, ka tikpat lielā mērā agrāk manā apziņā izņēmums bija pateicība.

Photo by Mijau

17 vēl aizvien ir viens no maniem mīļākajiem skaitļiem. 17 būtu tikpat skumjš kā 12, 13, 14 un 15, ja brālis nebūtu mani uzaicinājis dzīvot blakusistabā viņam un Silvai Cēsīs. Tagad, kad esmu vecāka kā viņš tad, man liekas apbrīnojami, ka Alvis maksāja īri par divistabu dzīvokli, tikai lai mazliet mani izglābtu (vai tāpēc, ka viņam vienkārši ir laba sirds). Šķiet, es pat nejautāju, viņš pats piedāvāja. Dzīvot kopā ar viņiem bija, iespējams, laimīgākā lieta, kas ar mani jebkad atgadījusies. 

Man bija Inita pāris soļu attālumā, pastaigas pilsētā un tā, šķiet, dziļi pilsētnieciskā lieta, kad tu satiec draugus un tāpat vien, neko īpašu nedarot, esi kopā. Sēdi uz dīvāna, dzer alu un vēlāk uzpūt uz sienas zaļus, dejojošus cilvēciņus. Naktī dzer kafiju Saules ielas pļavā ar Mijau. Aizej uz pils parku un noskaties āra filmu, bet pēc tam klausies mūziku pie atvērta loga un tīri māju. Nodibini "The Kitchen Band" ar pasauli satricinošo "Matus mutē" virtuves piederumu hītu. Nokrāso sarkanus matus kopā ar draudzenēm, pārģērbies par sātanu un dodies dejot. Un tad sadusmo brāli, nokrāsojot savu logu rūti dzeltenu un uzzīmējot uz stikla mandalu, jo prieks, mazie mākslinieki un kāpēc ne.

Pavisam ilgu laiku pirms tam es dabūju mazo māsu. Man nebija ne jausmas, vai tas būs tikpat forši kā kucēns vai arī vairāk līdzīgi neparedzamas briesmas kā garīgi nestabils kaukāzu aitu sugas suns, kuram garšo cilvēku gaļa. Lauma izrādījās brīnišķīga, apburoša, un iemācīja man kādu mīlēt un rūpēties. Atceros vienu vasaru, kad pārāk daudz domāju par persiku krāsas acu ēnām un to, vai es kādu mīlu un kas vispār ir mīlestība. Man šķita, ka kamēr tu neesi pavisam drošs, tu nemīli. Līdz ar pirmo vārdu "Cilvēki, ko es mīlu" dienas grāmatas sarakstā (jo tāds absolūti ir nepieciešams, ha!) māsība man iemācīja būt pa cilvēku, un kopš tās dienas, šķiet, šī maģiskā spēja tikai pieaug.

Šobrīd domāju, ka būtu nepieciešama daudz garāka nakts un varbūt vēl viena diena, lai pierakstītu visu, par ko esmu pateicīga saviem draugiem, man neizprotamiem notikumiem (,piemēram, kā es tiku VIA), TED runām, vecākiem (,kuri mani iepazīstināja ar lieliskākajiem cilvēkiem pasaulē) un citiem ģimenes locekļiem un varbūt, varbūt kādā mazā brīdī arī sev. 

Varbūt tas notika, jo aizbraucu tik tālu prom, bet nepazaudēju sajūtu, ka kādam rūp. Cilvēki bieži man atgādina, ka atceras un mīl, un esmu sākusi tam ticēt. Stāsts, ko es stāstīju sev par dzīvi līdz šim , būtu varējis būt vēl viena grāmata Lemonija Sniketa "Nelaimīgo notikumu sērijā", bet tagad tas pamazām, gabaliņu pa gabaliņam meklē veidus, kā pārveidot sevi, jo galvenā sižeta līnija vairs nešķiet patiesa.  

Šie būs pirmie Ziemassvētki, ko pavadīšu citādi. Precīzi divdesmit trīs no tiem esmu bijusi mājās, krāpusies dzejoļu skaitīšanā, rotājusi eglīti un ēdusi pārāk daudz rasola. Daži no tiem ir bijuši priecīgi, daži - ne pārāk, bet šie, tieši šie Ziemīši, kuros es nestaigāšu pa sniegu (jo te tāda nav), nevelšu sniega vīru ar māsu, nedzeršu kafiju ar Elīnu un nedejošu ViA ballē, man liek apjaust, cik ļoti pateicīga esmu par visām labajām lietām, ko izdevies piedzīvot.

Erasmus pirmā semestra cilvēki šodien un rītdien brauc prom, mājās ar nepacietību tiek gaidīts notikums, kurā es nevarēšu piedalīties, man ir aizkritusi labā auss un esmu apēdusi pārāk daudz "Jule Hisse" Ziemassvētku māršmalovu rūķus vienai naktij, bet tikko uzsniga apmēram puscentimetru bieza sniega sega, tā ka šī brīža matemātika varbūt ir pa nullēm. Un tomēr kopvērtējumā dzīve kaut kad nemanāmi ir ieripojusi pārliecinošos plusos, par ko man gribas pateikties visiem un visam, varbūt pat bezjēdzīgajam ausu pilienu sūknītim, kura vienīgais sasniegums ir tas, ka viņš izskatās jokaini.

Ja Tu šo lasi, tad droši vien ne jau tāpēc, ka mans cukursaturs Tev liekas ellīgi saistošāks par miljons citiem blogiem, kuros cilvēki raksta par kaut ko līdzīgu salīdzinoši tuvā "mazo mākslinieku" stilā, bet gan tāpēc, ka esi kaut kā saistīts ar manu dzīvi. Tas diezgan droši nozīmē, ka kaut kur tajā gaišajā, siltajā vietā, kur dzīvo mani "paldies", esmu par kaut ko pateicīga arī Tev.*

Kas ir Tavi svētku paldies?

*Ja vien tu neesi vienkārši random stalkeris vai viens no tiem robotiem, kas pielipis manam blogam un nemanāmi kačā statistiku un dara citas lietas, par kurām es neko negribu zināt. Tādā gadījumā nepaldies, un vispār es varbūt nemaz neesmu par Tevi tādā sajūsmā.

Mākslinieciski pārdabiska pauze

Trīs mēnešu bloga pauze ir beigusies, un esmu šeit, lai parunātos par dzīvi Zviedrijā un dotu solījumus, kurus centīšos pildīt godprātīgāk par "ja jūs gribat, es rakstīšu biežāk".

Ja es būtu intervējusi kādu no Latvijas (kas ir precīzi divi cilvēki Karlstadē, ieskaitot mani), filmas nosaukums varētu būt "Tfu Tfu Tfu", un savā ziņā es priecājos, ka nosaukumu tā vietā iedvesmoja vācu "Toi Toi Toi". Pēc VIA pieredzes šķiet neticami, ka pāris minūšu video varēju veidot vairākus mēnešus, tāpēc jau iepriekš piebildīšu, ka Jums tas varbūt šķitīs tikai mazs, parasts klipiņš, kad patiesībā tā bija brīnišķīga iespēja neatkarīgi, bet ar spirituālu "filmu guru" palīdzību lēnam iemācīties visu par īsfilmu veidošanu - sākot no idejas un beidzot ar prezentēšanu pirmizrādē. Kad esmu tik daudz runājusi riņķī un apkārt manai mini dokumentālajai filmai, droši vien varu Jums arī beidzot ļaut to apskatīties.

TOI TOI TOI from Elga Sīle on Vimeo. Drīzumā izveidošu arī latviešu subtitrus, jo gribu šo parādīt arī cilvēkiem ar ne tik attīstītu "Erasmus english" ausi. Pati pirmo nedēļu ļoti daudz izmantoju "smaidi, izliecies, ka saproti un saki mhm, jā" tā vietā, lai ceturto reizi pārprasītu, ko blakussēdošie vācieši man cenšas pavēstīt. (Aptuveni 70% Erasmus studentu Karlstadē ir no Vācijas, un tieši šiem studentiem, šķiet, ir visspēcīgākais akcents, kas nozīmē, ka pēc kāda laika tu esi spējīgs saprast arī angliski runājošu kartupeli, bet bez šīs maģiskās Erasmus skolas vari justies visai bezspēcīgs.)   Lai redzētu citus Doc.Mob! 2014 gada darbus, klikšķini šeit (un šeit, un šeit viens un 2) , bet, ja gribi nobaudīt dažus no animācijas kursa '14 gabaliem, ko man izdevās atrast interneta biezokņos, spied šo zilo pogu.
Tu droši vien tikai steigšus pārskrēji visam ierakstam līdz pat šai vietai, jo ellīgi gribēji uzzināt, ko es darīju visus pēdējos 3 mēnešus, kad ieturēju šo dziļi māksliniecisko pauzi? Kas gan es būtu par cilvēku, ja ļautu Tev ilgāk mocīties neziņā? Mana vieglas pakāpes Alcheimera atmiņa reducējusi visu šo laiku trīs-četros periodos, kurus vienlaikus var izmantot arī par attaisnojumiem dziļajam "Pilnīgi slepeni" klusuma brīdim. Viss sākās ar šķietami nebeidzamu tumsības periodu. Nezinu, vai vainīgs bija Maikls Renovs, kurš mana kursa teorijas daļai piešķīra jauku, tīru šķīstītavas efektu un rosināja tādas idejas kā sasiet sev rokas uz muguras un pieteikties kādā vietā uz nopietnas atpalicības testēšanu, vai arī tā bija pārāk liela deva vienatnes, bet septembra-oktobra nomāktība bija patiešām ļauna. Skumjas mijās ar absolūtu vakuuma un tukšuma sajūtu, it kā es būtu nevis šeit, bet lidinātos kaut kur kosmosā, tūkstošiem kilometru attālumā no tuvākā objekta (arī tad tikai asteroīda vai neapdzīvotas planētas), un mans ķermenis šeit būtu tikai čaula bez satura vai nozīmes palikt. Bija bailīgi, patiešām nelāgi, un tad tas beidzās. Tagad lielais, klusais un tumšais tukšums mani reizēm apciemo no rīta, bet es atsakos to uzklausīt kā vienīgo iespējamo sajūtu, saklāju gultu un mēģinu sākt dienu arī tad, ja viss liekas stulbs un dziļi bezjēdzīgs.   Nanovembris bija maģisks, un piepildīja mani ar gaismu, cerībām un apziņu, ka es varu vairāk nekā man šķita pirms tam. Šeit ir mans NaNoWriMo sertifikāts un laimīgā seja tai vakarā, kad pabeidzu savu Pirātiski Dumpiniecisko "Grāmatu" (to tā sauc tāpēc, ka tas nebija īsts romāns, bet vairāk kā patiešām interesantas dzīves autobiogrāfiskošana). Es uzrakstīju 50 tūkstošus vārdu, un tas mani (vismaz rakstīšanas laikā) atbrīvoja. Nekas nespēja mani pavisam uzveikt, jo es varēju to vēlāk pierakstīt kā daļu no mana visai trakā stāsta. Rakstīšana šķiet labākais līdzeklis pret naidpilnām iekšējām balsīm, kas cenšas tevi iznīcināt visos iespējamos veidos. Tu ļauj tām būt, un tās zaudē cīņassparu. 

Novembra draņķrakstīšanai (rakstīt tik daudz draņķa, kā nekad agrāk un pēc tam to paturēt) bija kaut kāds mistisks sociāli pozitīvs iespaids. "Pēdējais astoņkājis" pamodināja manī hiperaktīvu sociālu dzīvnieku un daudz jautras, interesantas komunikācijas, deju un jaunu kontaktu. Esmu samērā priecīga, ka izdevās izdzēst lielāko daļu šaušalīgo bilžu, ko cilvēki no šiem laikiem sabāzuši Feisbukā. Man nav ne jausmas, kāpēc kādam varētu šķist laba ideja likt izplūdušas plāceņsejas pārāk lielos sliktas kvalitātes albumos, bet varbūt tas palīdz kaut kādam sociālajam alibi ("ir man dzīve, ir, rekur viņa, nu, nevar īsti redzēt, bet tur viņa ir, ka es tev saku!").

Un tad nāca laiks, kad es salaulājos ar editēšanas istabas Maku tik ļoti, ka šobrīd šķiet pretdabiski nebūt tur katru vakaru un brīvo brīdi. Editēšana un vienkārša kopā būšana ar citiem cilvēkiem, kas dara to pašu, ir viens no jaukākajiem procesiem universa vēsturē, ja neskaita lēnu alus dzeršanu ar draugiem Valmiermuižā. Man nav nevienas fotogrāfijas no tā laika vai pat mūsu filmu pirmizrādes, vai no vispār jebkā, tāpēc Jums man būs vienkārši jātic, ka tas bija skaisti. 

Ļoti gribas uzrakstīt par vēl daudz ko - kādu mūziku rada un klausās zviedri, kāda vaļīgi mākslinieciska atmosfēra valda Karlstades pilsētvidē, cik labi smaržo Loftbergs Lila ražotne un atbildēt uz visiem tiem jautājumiem, ko man uzdevāt iepriekš, un esmu apņēmusies to izdarīt vēl šogad, kaut kad pa vidu divu eksāmena eseju rakstīšanai. 

Ceru, ka Ziemassvētku trakums pret Jums ir labs, un tuvojas daudz gaiša, silta un dzirksteļojoša prieka.