I have tried writing this post for 3 times now, and it does not look promising. Such a trivial and embarrassing topic makes it really hard for me not to puke on my pc while writing about it while also feeling that it might be important to talk about this. I have been avoiding taking pics, writing, speaking publicly, just generally being "too visible" for my whole life cause I have not been okay with who I am (moreover who I am not).
Growing up as a TV kid, I have learned quite early that I will never be able to match the standards of my favorite characters there NOR will I ever be as brave, pure and honorable as the folks from the booklands, so, basically, I have been answering no to self acceptance since forever. It feels like such an outdated, silly, immature problem that you shouldn't have in the great sophisticated nowadays, but it is oh so here. I have noticed that being a bitch to yourself, comparing, or ignoring yourself seem to be commonly accepted practices of treating yourself among other people too.
I have just recently decided that I am not okay with this anymore and that it is time to put up a fight against low self esteem and high self criticism. So one day after seeing this TED talk while wanting to help a friend in need of a subject and myself to overcome issues I am done with, it seemed to be a great idea to grow together in this "Take a picture for 30 days in a row" challenge. Learning a lesson a day, facing my issues (CAMERA AND MY FACE IN GENERAL), I have to admit that I still suck at self acceptance, but it feels like moving.
I am not jumping to every "click" of a picture being taken as I was on the day one anymore. I can see more than what I hate in myself in pictures. I can see the good, the bad and the overall, and I am saying hello to myself boldly. I am also learning that it's okay not to be okay with what I see - me in a weird light or position, or expression can still be a person I choose to love and cherish. And it's okay to be the subject, to expose yourself and to take a stand for your own persona sometimes just as it is okay to do that with your friends and family, random cats, people in need for a smile or opening the doors or kind words or whatever. I made a choice to stop excluding me from the list of people (which is pretty much everyone on this planet) that feels like deserving the best possible treatment and kindness and I am (while still hiding under the sheets when writing this) proud about this. One day a bunch of kids will be happier cause their momma-to-be chose to work with neurosis and get real.
Also, I am proud to be a part of someone else's personal and professional journey. I did not expect this photo challenge to be so pleasant and painless, and beautiful, all of which is Claudio's* responsibility. So far being in this challenge has taught me to trust and rely on someone as well as find safety in being honest which is a pretty new human thing for me too. I don't think I could have done it with anyone less Claudio than Claudio. So YAY for being awesome and going in the direction of YES.
