Several people have asked me about this photo challenge in March and believe it or not, this is the day I am finally sharing the fruits of this journey with you! Isn't that super exciting? Well, I hope it's newish news at least for you, because I feel like this is fading away more and more every day as I am flying away in my hot air balloon of a life (perhaps to fight some trolls and goblins around the more dangerous mountains of grown up life).
These 16 days were kind of a triple ultra mega challenge for us because it was like a battle ground where so many issues had to be fought. I had to get over all those annoying inner voices turning my face into stone with every next evil statement and trust Claudio and our goals. Claudio had to find something new to do every day, be inspired OR decide to keep going even if he wasn't. We both had to deal with not having enough personal space day by day because we had to see each other daily to take those pictures. I kid you not, for loners independent people like us that might be the hardest part of this, just having no choice to hide in our caves and rejuvenate in our own time!
By the way, have you ever thought how rough is the "a picture a day for 30 days" title? Is it one picture you take randomly and make it a day? Is it a few pics from which you choose and then leave just one? Or is it a fully creative, several hours long photo-shoot that you are greatly committed to? To us anything except the last one didn't really make sense, because we needed the process, the time to sink it in and the time for developing a special relationship more than we needed that one pic. We worked hard because it was important AND FUN, therefore after some time we got really tired. Somewhere after the middle it didn't really make sense to keep going, cause the subject seemed to be exhausted and so were we. However, as you'll see in the gallery I will in some magical way attach to this post, we've got a lot more than 30 pics, and the ones I decided to pick were just some half or 2/3 of everything we made really.
Probably the best way to illustrate the success of this challenge is to compare the first and the last day of it + maybe some aftermath. This is what I wrote in my very secret diary in the day 1:
"Day 1 - the anxiety is rising with every movement Claud makes - him taking the "cap" off the camera, adjusting each leg of the tripod, all the clicks and ticks feel exactly like that moment when the dentist takes the scary looking syringe from the metal tray and you know that you are just a few seconds away from the needle touching your gum and then pricking in your flesh. You're not supposed to cry out loud from the horror because you kinda lost that right in the moment you stopped being seven and also every time you ate a candy, had a soft drink, didn't floss or go to the dentist earlier, but you feel like yelling BIG TIME, and your body goes all tense, you can feel the neurons dying EVERYWHERE because of sensations you'd like to choose not to feel but can't, and it is just so unpleasant. So I am standing there observing this instinctive fearful, borderline physical reaction in me and realizing this is a big deal. I am scared of someone stopping the time for just one second, having a piece of me, something of me that I cannot control - and having that one thing forever. I am scared of seeing myself there and seeing something I don't want to see - as if a picture could be a statement, something that is about you and is true, and is frozen like that even if you're not okay with it. "
At the last day, I was just really excited to do a bit for a challenge after a big break we had in between and it kinda came as a surprise - I realized a part of me has always wanted to be seen and photographed. I was still able to see every single flaw in the pics and that still made me feel concerned about what do those flaws represent (Does my smile always look fake or twisted? Would it ever be possible to take a picture that I would like 100%? how good is this photography as a work of Claudio's art? What is the meaning of light and shadows, style and the time of the day in photography and in the way I perceive myself and others? Would it be possible to find out if I'd be as crazy captious about my friends and family as I am with me?). However, I am okay around cameras now. I enjoy being on both sides of the camera and having some memories in the form of frozen time.
Somewhere in the middle the whole process just wore me off I think. I started caring more about Claudio's creative process that I cared about how I looked (and what nasty things would be said by my inner critics or the ones still out there). I realized I am ready to give him more radiant, free spirited "material" to work with. Seeing myself from so many different angles, lights, effects and points of view also made me realize there's just one me, but thousands of ways to depict it. Someone taking a quick pic without warning at a party might capture my inner walrus and feel free to publish that online, making me forever careful around them. Someone might take a blurry, but oh so important pic of me dancing salsa - happy and confident, and having a great time. Someone might uncover my inner Chandler, having that tense/fake fun face I hate to see so much, reveal the skin conditions or the lack of character in my visage that shake me to the very core.
Some lights or frames, or even people might treat you better picture-wise than others. Feeling relaxed and less self concerned can help too. In the end, a picture says much more than just how you look like - it tells the story of your time, the story of your photographer's intentions, equipment and skills, the story of what's exposed and what's left out of frame. You are just a part of the picture, literally and figuratively. Not even albums full of your pictures can tell your story - much less define who you are. There is always something left out and the objective might not completely justify its name.
Being in this challenge has helped me gain some perspective. What was a fuzzy problem before, has now became much more clear. I thought I am freaked out of taking pictures because there is something wrong with me - not only the looks but also the personality that sticks out from every pixel. I realize now that I [still] have a problem with the uncertainty of someone randomly taking pictures without my permission. There's something about freezing your point of view of my reality that is deeply disturbing if it's taken for granted. I also see the distinct things I still don't like about myself very clearly, but they've stopped being so sharp and hurtful. Some time after the project I realized I care more about what my body can do and experience rather than represent. I have fought some really hard fights this year and made some progress towards self-confidence and can say now that although aware of my flaws I am now over feeling guilty and disgusted with my own body. It can feel alive in so many beautiful ways that I am eternally grateful just for having the chance to own it. I wish [at least] this level of acceptance for everyone.
I also wish I could extend it to other areas of my own life. Would be nice to feel okay with the age 25 compared to the level of accomplishment I have made so far professionally. Or the inner age (which too often feels like a roller coaster from 13-37) compared to the real one. Or the overall intelligence, skills and habits, and so many other things that are still topics of the automatic-shit-tape that plays in my head every day. If only it would be as easy to expose and play with things you can't touch...
As you can see there was a lot of experimenting with the relationship between light and darkness from Claudio's side. Previewing this as I write, I must admit that the pictures default blogger formatting allow you to see don't quite carry the artistic quality of them, so there might appear a different form of this album later on (maybe in Claud's own post about his side of the story, eh? If you're reading this, it's a direct wink at you!), where you can see the pics full screen. Meanwhile, I'll be dealing with my own relationships with light and darkness to maybe possibly highly unlikely share with you later.
I leave you with the lovely collection of the last, 16th day of our 30 day challenge. For me the last day was a kind of a celebration of the road we walked together and the progress made. Made me think what would happen if we met after some years when we're older and did the rest of the intended time just for the wonders of it. Until that possibly wrinkly or/and unicorn-possessed days, I leave you with this and wish you a great summer!
Photo Credit for all the pictures used in this post: Claudio Yurdadön. You can find some of his work over here and here and maybe even somewhere else if you're a better stalker than I am. ;)
