Turning the ship around

It happens very slowly. 

At first you don't even know it's happening. The lever has been pushed, but for a moment there is really no sign of change. And even when the horizon signals you are now going elsewhere (is it signalling?), for a while longer than bearable everything still feels the same - the water's the same. The ship, although now maybe leaking differently, as a monumental entity is still the same - heavy, material, never really shifting shape. It is the same damned ocean with its storms and waves, and currents. 

But the ship is changing its course. Gradually, then suddenly. There are forces everywhere - forces of creation underneath the water, forces of natural destruction, old routes calling back and fresh breezes of possible, new places ahead. I can feel it all. 

We've got some perspective!

Several people have asked me about this photo challenge in March and believe it or not, this is the day I am finally sharing the fruits of this journey with you! Isn't that super exciting? Well, I hope it's newish news at least for you, because I feel like this is fading away more and more every day as I am flying away in my hot air balloon of a life (perhaps to fight some trolls and goblins around the more dangerous mountains of grown up life).

These 16 days were kind of a triple ultra mega challenge for us because it was like a battle ground where so many issues had to be fought. I had to get over all those annoying inner voices turning my face into stone with every next evil statement and trust Claudio and our goals. Claudio had to find something new to do every day, be inspired OR decide to keep going even if he wasn't. We both had to deal with not having enough personal space day by day because we had to see each other daily to take those pictures. I kid you not, for loners independent people like us that might be the hardest part of this, just having no choice to hide in our caves and rejuvenate in our own time! 

By the way, have you ever thought how rough is the "a picture a day for 30 days" title? Is it one picture you take randomly and make it a day? Is it a few pics from which you choose and then leave just one? Or is it a fully creative, several hours long photo-shoot that you are greatly committed to? To us anything except the last one didn't really make sense, because we needed the process, the time to sink it in and the time for developing a special relationship more than we needed that one pic. We worked hard because it was important AND FUN, therefore after some time we got really tired. Somewhere after the middle it didn't really make sense to keep going, cause the subject seemed to be exhausted and so were we. However, as you'll see in the gallery I will in some magical way attach to this post, we've got a lot more than 30 pics, and the ones I decided to pick were just some half or 2/3 of everything we made really. 

Probably the best way  to illustrate the success of this challenge is to compare the first and the last day of it + maybe some aftermath. This is what I wrote in my very secret diary in the day 1:

"Day 1 - the anxiety is rising with every movement Claud makes - him taking the "cap" off the camera, adjusting each leg of the tripod, all the clicks and ticks feel exactly like that moment when the dentist takes the scary looking syringe from the metal tray and you know that you are just a few seconds away from the needle touching your gum and then pricking in your flesh. You're not supposed to cry out loud from the horror because you kinda lost that right in the moment you stopped being seven and also every time you ate a candy, had a soft drink, didn't floss or go to the dentist earlier, but you feel like yelling BIG TIME, and your body goes all tense, you can feel the neurons dying EVERYWHERE because of sensations you'd like to choose not to feel but can't, and it is just so unpleasant. So I am standing there observing this instinctive fearful, borderline physical reaction in me and realizing this is a big deal. I am scared of someone stopping the time for just one second, having a piece of me, something of me that I cannot control - and having that one thing forever. I am scared of seeing myself there and seeing something I don't want to see - as if a picture could be a statement, something that is about you and is true, and is frozen like that even if you're not okay with it. "

At the last day, I was just really excited to do a bit for a challenge after a big break we had in between and it kinda came as a surprise - I realized a part of me has always wanted to be seen and photographed. I was still able to see every single flaw in the pics and that still made me feel concerned about what do those flaws represent (Does my smile always look fake or twisted? Would it ever be possible to take a picture that I would like 100%? how good is this photography as a work of  Claudio's art? What is the meaning of light and shadows, style and the time of the day in photography and in the way I perceive myself and others? Would it be possible to find out if I'd be as crazy captious about my friends and family as I am with me?). However, I am okay around cameras now. I enjoy being on both sides of the camera and having some memories in the form of frozen time.

Somewhere in the middle the whole process just wore me off I think. I started caring more about Claudio's creative process that I cared about how I looked (and what nasty things would be said by my inner critics or the ones still out there). I realized I am ready to give him more radiant, free spirited "material" to work with. Seeing myself from so many different angles, lights, effects and points of view also made me realize there's just one me, but thousands of ways to depict it. Someone taking a quick pic without warning at a party might capture my inner walrus and feel free to publish that online, making me forever careful around them. Someone might take a blurry, but oh so important pic of me dancing salsa - happy and confident, and having a great time. Someone might uncover my inner Chandler, having that tense/fake fun face I hate to see so much, reveal the skin conditions or the lack of character in my visage that shake me to the very core. 

Some lights or frames, or even people might treat you better picture-wise than others. Feeling relaxed and less self concerned can help too. In the end, a picture says much more than just how you look like - it tells the story of your time, the story of your photographer's intentions, equipment and skills, the story of what's exposed and what's left out of frame. You are just a part of the picture, literally and figuratively. Not even albums full of your pictures can tell your story - much less define who you are. There is always something left out and the objective might not completely justify its name.

Being in this challenge has helped me gain some perspective. What was a fuzzy problem before, has now became much more clear. I thought I am freaked out of taking pictures because there is something wrong with me - not only the looks but also the personality that sticks out from every pixel. I realize now that I [still] have a problem with the uncertainty of someone randomly taking pictures without my permission. There's something about freezing your point of view of my reality that is deeply disturbing if it's taken for granted. I also see the distinct things I still don't like about myself very clearly, but they've stopped being so sharp and hurtful. Some time after the project I realized I care more about what my body can do and experience rather than represent. I have fought some really hard fights this year and made some progress towards self-confidence and can say now that although aware of my flaws I am now over feeling guilty and disgusted with my own body. It can feel alive in so many beautiful ways that I am eternally grateful just for having the chance to own it. I  wish [at least] this level of acceptance for everyone. 

I also wish I could extend it to other areas of my own life. Would be nice to feel okay with the age 25 compared to the level of accomplishment I have made so far professionally. Or the inner age (which too often feels like a roller coaster from 13-37) compared to the real one. Or the overall intelligence, skills and habits, and so many other things that are still topics of the automatic-shit-tape that plays in my head every day. If only it would be as easy to expose and play with things you can't touch... 

As you can see there was a lot of experimenting with the relationship between light and darkness from Claudio's side. Previewing this as I write, I must admit that the pictures default blogger formatting allow you to see don't quite carry the artistic quality of them, so there might appear a different form of this album later on (maybe in Claud's own post about his side of the story, eh? If you're reading this, it's a direct wink at you!), where you can see the pics full screen. Meanwhile, I'll be dealing with my own relationships with light and darkness to maybe possibly highly unlikely share with you later.

I leave you with the lovely collection of the last, 16th day of our 30 day challenge. For me the last day was a kind of a celebration of the road we walked together and the progress made. Made me think what would happen if we met after some years when we're older and did the rest of the intended time just for the wonders of it. Until that possibly wrinkly or/and unicorn-possessed days, I leave you with this and wish you a great summer!

Photo Credit for all the pictures used in this post: Claudio Yurdadön. You can find some of his work over here and here and maybe even somewhere else if you're a better stalker than I am. ;) 

So Sweden, huh

I had my last class in Karlstad University yesterday, and I learned a new thing that made me think over the experiences of the previous year in Sweden. I had heard about this in regards to gender and racial equality, but had been kinda ignorant about the cultural side of it (which, according to Bennet is called intercultural sensitivity). According to this sensitivity there are different stages of ethnocentrism or ethnorelativism ranging from denial to integration. 

Developmental Model of Intercultural Sensitivity
©Dr. Milton J. Bennett, 1986 & 1993

I have always perceived myself as an accepting and tolerant person, therefore I was kinda surprised to find myself in the stage 3 (still in the ethnocentric side) in regards to intercultural differences. It's called minimization, and if I still remember it right, it means that you try to minimize the differences between your own culture and others, seeing only the similar things and ignoring the depths of differences that lye under the Coca-Cola signs and tall buildings that tend to be similar in lots of places.

Filling the classroom with her energetic timbre while explaining intercultural sensitivity, our professor Annika Malmsten made me realize  finally that seeing the differences is crucial to being tolerant and integrate in different environments as well as help others to integrate. You can't fully accept something you don't really see. 

So Imma talk a bit about my impressions of Sweden and Swedes - the differences, similarities and other stuff I noticed as a Latvian here.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

• Rules. This a little bit stereotypical and trivial example, but it definitely has a grain of truth in it. To make it even more trivial, Imma put you in a bus in Karlstad and in Riga. In Karlstad's buses people would sometimes find ways to cheat  and not pay for the ride, but generally, it doesn't seem like a hot trend for Swedes to go around paying. You say "hej" to the bus driver, beep your expensive bus card and sit down without a care in a very comfy seat. It is not common to check tickets (literally never happened to me in 10 months time I have been here) and the fine for not having a ticket you'd pay if you did get caught is not that bad if you cheat regularly. The thing is (and I might be wrong assuming this, so correct me if you're Swedish or know better), there seem to be no real need for harsh controlling mechanism cause Swedes are generally more prone to accept and trust the rules that are established in this country, therefore also kinda strengthening the system that seems to be working well in here. There is no anarchy to be suppressed. 
  Now if you step in a Latvian bus, tram or trolley, in 10 months time of public transportation you're gonna see ticket collectors A LOT. In fact, that might be the least you see, especially in Rīga. You might see people running away, negotiating or even having fights with ticket collectors, endless and fruitless arguments, and even come across some apps meant to bring people together to avoid buying the increasingly expensive tickets.
  It seems like "the rules are made to be broken" is sometimes more fitting my country than Sweden, not only in the little bit unsuccessful example of the public transport, but in other fields and ways too. I have a feeling that in Latvia people try to find ways around rules more often, because they might not work for everyone or might be somewhat connected to the general distrust for politicians and "the system".
• Diversity and equality. Sweden feels like a more diverse place than Latvia, which seems to be connected to Swedes being more tolerant and equal overall. It is common to see ethnically, racially and creatively different people even in such a relatively small town as Karlstad, and racism and other excluding narratives seem to be much less normalized. You'd see men with kids and doggies on the streets as often as you'll see women doing the same. You'd see 50/50 gender representation in The Swedish Government. You'd be able to marry legally if you're gay here. However, there have been some serious controversy and changing opinions regarding immigration in Sweden the last few years, so it's not all smooth sailing either.  
• Swedish times of the day. This is quite similar in Latvia, but more distinct perhaps. In the worst of wintertime, I would literally see no sun for days because of the cloudiness, or because if I'd wake up really late like I sometimes do, the sun would already be set. On the other hand, if it's nearly summer and you suck at going to bed before 5 AM, you'd fall asleep while the sun is burning a hole in your window and it would seem to get dark only for a few hours (have heard that in some regions it's not more than 3 hours or so). So more contrast I guess, and less really dark starry nights that I miss so much about home. "The darkness" is also the first thing you get warned about when you arrive here, suggesting to buy lamps and seek for UNI student counseling services if it gets too depressing.
• The visuals - the cute little Swedish houses, bigger clouds (I have a back up on this one, so don't take out your cray cray stamp just yet!), really beautiful people (the tall blond Swede is an exaggeration though, but Swedes do seem to take care of their looks and be kinda put together). Also, everything is automatized and the trains are way faster rushing past the rocky forests and natural landscapes.
• Different flavors of artsiness - I really have to take pics of all the weird statues to illustrate this in my Swedish home town. There's a "Nobody puts baby in the corner" sign just near the main entrance, the thing I call the "elephant-butt statue", "the big ear" and other signs of letting the freak flag of free artistic expression fly over here. 

  

  Me jumping from one elephant to another. Photo by Claudio Yurdadön

• The mentality. I feel like I noticed this even less than Swedes themselves, because as a Latvian I feel kinda used to always taking the single free spot in the bus, being shy and needing quite a lot of personal space, but I feel like this is receiving too much hard feelings and not being fully understood. Maybe cause I met so many creative, interesting Swedes I didn't get to know the "hiding in a cave" side of Swedish people, but for some reason I feel like although they might be a little distanced (just as Latvians seem to be), they have been very warm, positive, friendly and even openly curious about me as an Erasmus student. However, it is also kinda true and funny that using just a few words and putting my adorable, shy but friendly face on I can blend in well enough for Swedish people not to figure out I'm not one of them for quite a while. :D
  
    
• English goes a long way, but seeing you try speaking Swedish will make Swedes ecstatic! Every Swedish person I have told I am (slowly! :D) learning their language have that "sun just came out of the clouds" brightness in their face and start speaking Swedish to me really fast right away. It is quite fun, and makes me blush every single time. 

Overall I think that I found myself in the Erasmus community more than in the natural everyday life Swedes' environment, so the things I have noticed are probably as precise as your reflection in the bathroom mirror after having a really long, hot shower. However it might be, Erasmus+ was a really valuable year in my life that I am gonna compare the upcoming years to.